There is No Magic Pill

“Do you have a one-dose pill for, you know, sexuality?”

As an Affiliate Consultant for Positive Passions, I get asked variations of this question frequently. Most often it is young, timid women who call or come in at the behest of their cisgendered male boyfriends. (Admittedly this is a generalization, but let’s address the other individuals and contexts in which this question is asked in future articles). I can deeply sympathize with these women for many personal reasons. I have compassion for the interpersonal and cultural position they are in because I have been there myself. 

But no, whether you are talking about libido or orgasm there is no magic pill for sexuality, just like there is no pill that reproduces the benefits of regular exercise. I bet if there were one, you would take it as regularly as you take vitamins. However, this is truly one of those situations where you have to do the work, and what you put into it is what you get out of it. 

There are many self-help programs out there designed to help you restructure your relationship with your sexuality so that you may have more comfortable and satisfying sexual experiences. Many of them follow a cognitive behavioural approach which involves identifying and challenging problematic thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that are causing or perpetuating dysfunctional or dissatisfying experiences. One of my favourites is Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo, though there are many resources out there that follow more or less the same pattern or process of development. 

For me, what was preventing my sexual satisfaction were dysfunctional beliefs about my sexuality:

I must hide my sexuality, because if I don’t it will cause men to do bad things to, or near, or “because” of me. 

I must not be “too sexual”, for if I am I will suffer negative consequences (physical illness or harm, unintended pregnancy, social derision...)

I am not an active agent of pleasure, but there for the satisfaction of my sexual partner.

My voice, desires, and preferences are all less important than those of any man. 

etc. etc. and more bullshit etc.’s.

Sometimes these still get me. Fortunately, I am now in a position where I am able to develop my own sexual confidence in a safe, supported way. Moreover, I am with someone who encourages me without pressuring me. This helps me to align my intentions with the reasons I would struggle through the sludge of my sexual past to improve the situation I am in: to enhance my own satisfaction, joy, and confidence. For me. The benefits for my partner, though important, are peripheral. 

This only struck me as exceptionally important after I reflected on a conversation I had with a very intellectually and emotionally intimate friend of mine. In an effort to explain why I wasn’t comfortable being physically intimate with them, despite our closeness in other realms, I ended up saying “I have never known a sexuality that was safe for me.”

That is huge. 

I am an educated, self-aware, confident person. I intellectually knew about my dysfunctional patterns of thought and behaviour for years, yet was unable to do anything about it then, because I did not feel safe.

Then, I was with a partner who blamed all of our sexual dysfunction on me because of my history of sexual abuse. There was no recognition for how his behaviour and expectations affected me. 

I was with a partner who would expect me to be amenable and ready at his command, but was not aware of or responsive to my cues for intimacy.

I was with a partner who would punish me by withdrawing his kindness and attention when I did not have “frequent enough” sex with him.

Basically, I was with someone who did not respect my autonomy or consent enough to grant me sexual freedom. As much as he wanted me to be a sexually open and expressive person, he wanted this for himself. When I began to disentangle myself from him after our breakup, he slut shamed me for having physical and emotional closeness with other people. 

I want to take a step back at this point and say that I do not assume that everyone who asks me this question is in an abusive relationship. It is an unfortunate reality of our modern cultural landscape that the realm of sexuality is unsafe for most people. 

Gendered inequalities in expectations for propriety made it such that in all three of my earliest sexual experiences, I was publicly slut shamed and cut out of social circles while the male involved was congratulated and granted social status. 

Enforced monogamy and expected familial roles reinforce ideas of ownership over our sexual partners’ behaviours and bodies. We think that it is just and right to control and manipulate intimate partners into meeting our own needs. 

Traditional patterns of courtship reinforce conceptions of seduction being a situation akin to predator and prey relations: “What a catch”. These relationship dynamics offer less autonomy to the “prey” and encourage disregard for the authenticity of expressions of consent. Same goes for dialogue that insinuates that sexual partnership is a game to be won. 

I could go on, but suffice it to say that intellectual and emotional safety is low on the list of skills being discussed in conversations of sexual prowess. It is not always, or even often, just one person’s fault that safety is challenged in intimate relationships.

So what does safety look like? What does safety feel like? How can we cultivate more of it in our intimate relationships?

Communication

It is my belief that communication is the foundation for all other aspects of safety in a relationship. Communication is equal parts expressing thoughts and feelings as well as being received for what you are expressing. This means that how you are listening to and responding to your partner (and in turn being listened and responded to) is as important as being honest and open in communicating your needs, preferences, and feelings. 

Active listening involves attending to subtext, observing non-verbal communication, and addressing your own assumptions about what is being said. A good way to achieve this is to echo back to your partner what you hear them say and invite them to correct your misconceptions. 

You do not need to be perfectly articulate in expressing yourself with words to have good communication. When you and your partner are both open to practicing communication, you can develop a language of expression that works for you both. 

Emotional Safety

Related to communication, emotional safety is the ability to have and express emotions with the trust and understanding that you will not be shamed or abandoned for your feelings. Emotional safety is communicating to your partner that your love and affection for them is not conditional upon them feeling or behaving in a certain way. 

It is both the trust that you will be met in honest expressions of your emotions and also that, for the both of you, emotions will be expressed in safe ways and not overexpressed (e.g. violent outbursts) or underexpressed (e.g. the silent treatment). 

It is also the ability to be alone and safe with our own emotions while we figure them out, and not be pressured by our loved ones to know, communicate, or resolve those feelings before we are ready. 

A part of emotional safety is also trust that our emotions will not be manipulated or invalidated by others for their own gain (i.e. gaslighting).

Physical Safety

In a strict sense, physical safety means the trust that we will not be abused, intimidated, or controlled by our partner. 

It can also be much more subtle, encompassing the ways we are met physically by our partner - being touched and held in safe and pleasurable ways. 

If someone is physically rejected by their partner by negative comments about the shape, smell, or ways that they move their body, then they are unlikely to open up and feel good about themselves in that person's presence. 

It is also about how consent is requested, expressed, and respected. In order to feel physically safe being vulnerable with a person, we need to know that we are able to practice physical autonomy over our own bodies and be respected for our choices and needs. 

Authenticity

Authenticity means that you don't have to hide aspects of your personality or pretend to be something or someone you are not in order to be accepted by your partner. It is about the ability to be honest about your desires and fears without judgement or derision (note: honest to your partner and to yourself). 

Hopefully you feel like you can be honest with your partner about your sexual preferences and fantasies, and that you do not feel compelled to fulfill all those fantasies if it doesn’t work for the both of you. It is totally fine to hold the idea that your partner has a particular fantasy and at the same time hold the truth that you do not share that desire, or visa versa. 

Authenticity is about accepting and allowing your partner to have desires, experiences, and behaviours that lie completely outside of you and your relationship with them. Recognize that your partner is a whole human being whom can differ from you in any number of ways and likewise you do not need to share every interest, activity, or opinion with them.

Acceptance

This is about acceptance of what is true to you and of the situations you are in with other people. This cycles back to being authentically listened to, and accepting of the cycles and patterns of change in our relationships over time. This is also about seeing our partners for who they truly are rather than who we want them to be and helps us to avoid the cycles of romantically idealizing our partners or feeling like we’ve settled. 

Some interpret acceptance as meaning that there are no requests or impulses to change, yet this is not the case. Criticisms can be communicated compassionately, and directed at behaviours rather than at the core self of you or your partner. 

Of course, acceptance might involve making a judgement call about whether the situation you find yourself in with a partner is tolerable as is, or surmountable with time, or if the intentions you both hold are at such odds that it is best for the relationship to end. With a sense of security in a relationship and good communication, this is a discussion it can be safe to have at any time without challenging or threatening the existence of the relationship. Having this kind of conversation can be a good way to ensure that both people’s needs and preferences are being acknowledged and, where possible, met.

Cues

Whether it is a cue for intimacy, for a moment alone, or a request for help or support, the evidence suggests that recognizing and responding to the cues our partners give us results in greater relationship satisfaction and security. 

A lot of this comes down to recognizing the subtext of our partner’s behaviours and acknowledging where they’re at mentally and physically. If your partner is busy typing up a response to an email for their co-worker, recognize their cue and respect their need for a moment alone. If your partner is emphatically telling you a story about a moment they had earlier in the day, recognize their cue for quality time and put down your phone. If a partner is holding your hand, or moving in closer on the couch, recognize their cue for physical intimacy and take a moment to respond in kind with your presence and your touch. 

This of course goes both ways, and if your cues are not being met it might be helpful to have a conversation with your partner to be sure that you are being clear enough in expressing your cues, and to guide them how to recognize your cues and teach them how you want to be treated. 

Consistency

There are times that you may express one thing in body language or behaviour while saying (and even truly believing) something completely different. This can be tied up in our cues, such as when we’re giving major “go away” vibes while at the same time desiring and communicating a need to be held and supported. These moments can be very confusing for our partners and trigger negative patterns of relating to one another. 

Oftentimes this happens when we have underlying motivations that are at odds with our desired outcomes in situations. An example of this is when we have strong defense mechanisms that are operating in opposition to our current desires. We might need to do some deep observation into the protective habits that are influencing our behaviour and begin to develop a sense of nuance for situations in which those are truly valuable and when we need to let them go. 

Accountability

Accountability is taking responsibility for our own emotions, words, and actions and how they affect our loved ones. It is also about appreciating and, where necessary, repairing the ways that our own behaviour creates conflict or limitations in our experiences and relationships. 

Accountability is a process related to the cognitive behavioural approach discussed earlier, and involves identifying and challenging those problematic thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that are contributing to our experiences. Accountability is also about taking ownership over those qualities of our selves or our behaviour rather than looking outside ourselves to lay blame or expect solutions. 

Connection and Vulnerability

In these days of social media and social anxiety, true connection and vulnerability can be the hardest part of a relationship. It is about allowing yourself to be seen for who you really are, and taking moments away from the distractions of technology and life to be present and honest with loved ones. 

Connection is an important quality to apply to our relationship with ourselves as well. We need to recognize and respond to the needs that our bodies are expressing. Especially when we are working to overcome sexual blockages, feeling safe within yourself is key.

Connection and vulnerability deserve their own intentionality, and yet in other ways are a natural consequence of all of the above strategies of safety. We are vulnerable when we communicate, and we connect when we are listened to with genuine regard. We can be vulnerable when we are physically and emotionally safe, and when we are welcomed to be authentic and are accepted for who we are. Connection is responding to your partner’s cues, and when we feel responded to and respected in all these ways we can allow sexual energy to flow more freely - and safely.  

There is no magic pill, but safety is a great lube. Start now without placing too much pressure on yourself and you will get there. Share this article with your partner and begin to have conversations about how to apply these strategies in your relationship. It is a practice, and it takes time, but you will likely see all of your relationships improve (or alternately, end, but that can be a good thing for your well being too). 

To conclude, here are some additional resources on other factors supporting safety, on communication, and on reducing defensiveness. 

By the Positive Passions Team

Victoria Rideout

For more by Victoria, visit her YouTube channel.